Cry or No-Cry?

Cry or No-Cry?

Personal choice

I have been working as a sleep coach now for over ten years and in that time, parenting and the research around it, the books we read, forums we have access to and more recently, the facts we read on social media, are changing every minute. But one thing stands true throughout all this noise – only a baby’s parent really knows how to parent that baby. 

When it comes to sleep coaching, the parents have to choose the approach that feels right to them. I believe that any method will work for a baby IF the parents are consistent and as long as there is no underlying medical condition. However, if the parents DO NOT BELIEVE in the method itself, then it is unlikely to work. I have been to homes in the past where the parents have tried everything, feel that they have tried the method I have suggested (return and reassure for example) and baby hasn’t responded. A lot of these parents are reluctant to give it another go, but I am confident that I will go into their home, with the same plan, and see that baby settle and sleep through within nights. The difference? The parents’ anxiety is gone, they feel confident and the baby picks up on this. 

I encourage clients to consider the following questions when thinking about what sleep coaching approach is right for them:

  • What is their parenting style? 
  • What feels comfortable to them when it comes to helping baby learn to fall asleep? 
  • Are they able to be consistent with the approach that they have chosen? 
  • How they feel about leaving their baby to cry (albeit only for short periods)? 

Crying: the research

A lot of the negative opinions you might hear about allowing a child to cry, even for a very short time, actually stems from research in the 1980s into children in Romanian orphanages. These children were left in their cots, with no one attached caregiver. These children were noticeably quiet and did not cry out for anything – food, wet nappies and so on. The researchers concluded that being left in their cots and left to cry from an early age did this to them. They simply learned that there was no point crying, as no one came to help.

This. Is. Not. Your. Child. 

This is what I remind clients who have heard something along these lines or who have this concern. Their baby has been born into a warm and cosy world of cuddles, affection and love, where their needs are consistently met. Wanting to improve a baby’s sleep is not only giving that baby an essential life skill but giving the whole family the many health, emotional and mental benefits of getting enough sleep. Sleep is crucial and sleep deprivation is literally bad for people’s health, as we covered in Module 2.

Another argument I sometimes hear is that we are forcing babies to sleep through the night before they are biologically ready. I think this is totally flawed. I work with newborn babies as well as babies from 5 months of age onwards and the common theme I see is that if parents are given the correct guidance and advice early on when it comes to sleep (awake windows, putting baby down awake and so on), those babies are more than capable of sleeping through the night from early on – without so much as a drop of crying. That is not to suggest that crying is bad, but more to prove the point that babies can naturally sleep very well – if given the correct conditions and environment. 

There is other research to keep in mind too, research which shows that in fact, sleep coaching is beneficial to modern-day parents and children, not detrimental. An Australian study of 328 mothers looked at the mother-baby relationship and the difference between those who did sleep training versus those who did not. Results of this study showed that in the short term, not only did sleep improve but so did parents’ mental health score. Following up when the children were age 6 and comparing against the control group, the children showed no difference in emotional stability, stress, parent/child bond or attachment. 

To this day, I have not had a single client regret doing sleep coaching. I believe there are vast benefits to helping a baby learn to sleep well and these are as much for the baby as the parents. Improving a baby’s sleep in an educated way, including checking in on baby’s health, feeding and overall well-being will make a huge difference to parents and their baby.

Dealing with crying 

When parents have made the decision to start sleep coaching and accept that it might involve a little crying, they still have to get over the first emotional hurdle: the first evening and night of the new approach. Having spent hundreds of hours with parents doing exactly this, I have picked up some tips along the way to help: 

  • Stay calm – being confident and calm (or at least acting that way, even if not feeling it!), is the secret to success. Babies are little sponges, so if the parents are radiating discomfort they will pick up on this
  • Involving both partners – in those moments that one parent might be finding it tough, letting the other parent take over can be so helpful. If you are using one of the cry/in and out methods then both parents can be involved from the beginning, which means that one can take over when it gets tough. If you are using the baby steps approach, then you will want one parent to finish a full settle ideally. 
  • Do not stand outside baby’s room listening to their crying, with the monitor in hand. I find that lots of my clients give in because the monitor is actually making the crying sound louder and worse than it really is. I recommend switching the monitor off and walking away from baby’s room. Then keeping busy in the 2,3,4 minutes that they have to fill, to provide distraction and make the time go more quickly.
  • Stay in your sleep bubble – I advise parents to choose to tell only a handful of people, that they know will be supportive, about their sleep coaching choice. We know sleep coaching is a personal choice and contradictory/negative opinions of others about that family’s choice will knock confidence and make it stressful. So I advise families to stick in their bubble, stay on their path and once things are well established, talk about it. Knocking your confidence at an early stage can have a knock-on effect on how things go. 

References: 

Hiscock., H. et al. (2006). Improving Infant Sleep and Maternal Mental Health: a Cluster Randomised Trial. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2083609/ 

Hiscock., et al. (2008). Long-Term Mother and Child Mental Health Effects of a Population based Infant Sleep Intervention: cluster-randomized, controlled trial. Paediatrics; Sep; 122 (3)